I spoke at my old high school today. After I was done speaking a young girl, maybe 15 years old came up and asked “Why does God love me?” I was speechless. After fumbling for words I shared with her the story of Christ on the cross with the 2 criminals. Probably not the best answer. I also used the analogy that God is our heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. Told her to imagine how much her dad loves her and times it by a billion. What I never considered is what if she doesnt have a father who is around.

As I sit her typing this entry, that question is still bothering me. I’m gonna sleep on it and use that as the basis for tomorrows entry. Until then, the video link I have attached to tonights blog is the best I could come up with.

Who Am I

Theres a lot of people who are hurting. Hurting from failed relationships, unfulfilled dreams, unfair circumstances, etc. I come across them on a daily basis. Before I can help others I have come to realize that I need my hurts to be healed. Its a laundry list of things from my past and present that before I got sober, I would have asked God to remove them.

After sharing in two separate church services today, I want the wound to be healed but for Him to leave the scar. There is a song by Point of Grace that I have referenced a few months ago.

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don’t take pride in what I bring
But I’ll build an altar with
The rubble that You’ve found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

The desire of my heart is to have my ministry built from the rubble that was once my life. If each and every stone which makes up the foundation is all the hurt that God found me in….I will rejoice. Why? Because without my Father in heaven, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Close to three years ago my heart was an open, festering wound that for so many years pumped out hate for God. I was angry that He didn’t remove all my heartaches and disappointments. That He didn’t take the time to “fix” my mess immediately. What I accept today is that it took time to grow closer to Him for me to realize that the scars that I never wanted to happen….are a gift.

I find that without those scars, I could forget that my recovery is totally because of Him. My selfish, self-centered ego would try and find a way to take credit for this second chance at life. What is and always will be true is that I am a broken man minus my walk with Christ. However if I rely on Jesus as my source of strength…I am redeemed and have the opportunity to help lead others to Truth.

This is the outline of the sermon I will be giving tomorrow morning at New Hope Manoa. Please be in prayer for me, that the words I speak is not my own but what God needs me to share. I’ll speaking at 9 & 11 am Hawaii time. The title is Overcoming Mediocrity.

Mediocre: of only moderate quality; not very good

Adjectives: ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired, undistinguished, indifferent, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur,

For so many years I was a mediocre Christian. In reality I was worse than average. I was an absolute failure of being a follower of Christ. How do I know that?

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-21)

Of the 16 obvious acts of sin….there are only 2 that I did not do. You see allowed Satans lies to overwhelm me. That prayer doesn’t work and that God forgot about me.

Grandpa Dominy/Mom and how it caused me to be angry at God.Story about Tait, rehab and how I maintain my sobriety. If my thoughts or actions do not line up with the Fruit of the Spirit….Im probably headed for disaster.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)

How have I overcome being a mediocre Christian? Hope do I offer hope to the hopeless? Love the unlovable? Try to bring peace to a chaotic world? At one point I was hopeless, felt unlovable and was an absolute mess. I follow…

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Not only do I base my ministry on the Fruit of the Spirit….I have to remember that I need to offer Christ like love. Love is not a feeling or an emotion it is an action.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

 ”Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:35-39)

Someone asked me how I deal with all the craziness without having a desire to use. In fact one of my mentors was curious how I overcome what most people consider triggers. I haven’t done a comprehensive list in a while so here goes….

First and foremost…its not me, its my walk with the Lord that makes it possible. Read the Bible for wisdom, pray to open my line of communication with my Father in heaven and strive to be a Christ like servant.

Second, even though I am not a “program book thumper” I do follow what they recommend; call my sponsor daily, reach out to my fellow alcoholics consistently and be of available to those who want help.

Here is what my routine/program is on a daily basis.

Wake up
Pray
Morning Devotional
Contact someone in the program via text/email/phone call
Mid day Bible reading
Contact more people in the program
Workout/Marital Arts
Call sponsor
Evening Devotional
Prayer
Sleep

90% of the time…this is what I do, DAILY. Every single day, 365 days of the year, no days off. I have come to agree with the “program” that my disease does not take a day off, actually it is working 24 hours a day to find a way to get me drink or use drugs. My solution…to stay diligent and on my toes at all times.

My family is amazing, I wouldn’t trade them for a billion dollars. I am blessed to have so many people praying for me. The circle of trusted friends is invaluable. Who am today is because God has surrounded me with fantastic people who lift me up, correct me when I am wrong and love me despite my short comings.

If there was any one piece of advice I could give to someone who is struggling with addiction? Love God more than you love anything in the world. Without having a personal AND ongoing relationship with Jesus…I would be dead.

“Willpower is a very powerful thing to have. Its made up of the purest confidence that you can and will do the impossible, regardless of who or what the laws of nature dictate what is possible, along with the stubbornness to be able to fight on though till the end, no matter the obstacles or change of outcome.” Solomon (12/28/09@3am).

Solomon passed away today from cancer. How can I constantly write about the “battle” with drug addiction/alcoholism? Those of us with the disease of addiction have a choice. We stay sober and live, use and we die. My friend didn’t have a choice, he wanted to live, did whatever it took to fight his disease and died. What made me change my attitude was something a friend wrote “he lost his battle with cancer and won a spot in heaven…”

In a round about way what my friend wrote 2 months ago as he was approaching the end of his life is telling….willpower. He knew the odds of success were slim. That winning the battle he was facing looked impossible. Yet through it all he fought.

My own willpower will get me nowhere. Unlike Solomon,I am in a fight that I can win. My success is not dependent on a treatment….it is totally on my ability to trust in God. If my confidence is in Christ, nothing is impossible. Regardless of what the statistics say about drugs/alcoholism if I am fighting with God as my source of strength there is no obstacles that I cannot defeat.

My mom canceled her surgery. I am still kind of in shock from learning one of the pastors I looked up to relapsed. I’ll be speaking at one of the mega churches this coming Sunday. Found out my baby sister is kind of sick, once again a rare disorder has struck a family member. Heard that some of my closest friends back in Cali are having a hard time. The grandmother who we moved to a new nursing home isn’t adjusting well….

This is not a pity party but is my life. No ever said that life would become a piece of cake with sobriety. What I have gained is the tools necessary to handle each and every obstacle without drugs or drinking. The stress levels that I am now able to endure are a direct result of being able to turn everything over to God.

When i first started this entry, I was just going to list the stuff I am dealing with and end it…I need prayer, in no mood to write. That is still how I feel but if there is someone new to recovery who happens to read this particular blog, welcome to recovery. Life still throws curveballs, unexpected twist and turns but the one constant through everything? God loves me and you.

There are days when all my plans blow up in my face. I can feel rejected, unworthy of anything good and really want to just dwell on the negative. Actually, today was one of those days. My solution? I helped my mom do errands, I read more of the BIble that I have in a while and I prayed A LOT. As I am about to sleep….all the problems are still there, I just have a peace that everything is in Gods hands.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Dealing with relapses is just part of my life. In reality I expect newly sober guys to not make it. That said, for the first time ever when hearing of someone go back out…I was speechless today. One of the men that I considered a mentor, who actually offered me some of the most insightful/meaningful advice early in my sobriety…went back out.

Alcoholism and addictions suck. The success rate is horrible. Pain, heartache and disappointments are just part of it. With the most recent relapse, it has made me realize that I need to be on top of my game at ALL times. Not only could I lose my ministry (which this man has) but I could potentially die (something that nearly happened to him)

My mom asked “what was his relationship with God?” The answer is…he’s a pastor. Yes, a pastor. My heart breaks for his wife but more so for him. He has touched hundreds if not THOUSANDS of lives over the years. I know this because the wisdom that he spoke are things that I remember to this day.

I can only hope that no one is judging him. As I sit here 2500 miles away detached from the chaos that is happening…my main prayer is that the guys he sponsored, dont blame God or think that God isn’t powerful enough to help them with the disease. The fact of the matter is that for a brief moment in time Fred (not his real name) lost sight of whom he served. End result? His heart stopped, had to be revived, is currently in the hospital and has basically destroyed his ministry.

Satan attacks and will continue to attack those who are servants of Christ. The onslaught of garbage that is thrown…crazy. So what have I learned from all this? Dont give up. Pray for Fred and his wife. Most importantly remember that there is nothing that I can do to stay sober, EVERYTHING is dependent on my walk with Jesus.

Once upon a time I used to collect VIP Cards to the hottest nightclubs in Hawaii. It was a badge of honor when the owner would personally hand me one. When it got to the point where I didn’t even need one to waltz into the most happening hotspot…my life had become a living hell.

To this day I dont know what it was that allowed me access to living such a hedonistic lifestyle. The odds of knowing the kind of people I did are crazy. Owners, managers, head bartenders, promoters, bouncers, front door girls, etc…it really cant be put into words the connections I once had.

Why am I even bringing this up? On Friday night I was handed a VIP Card to the most exclusive place on Oahu. My friends who are still in the scene would kill for this piece of plastic. What did I do with it? Politely said “Thanks, but probably not gonna use it.” Where is it today? No clue.

For a brief moment yesterday I was planning on visiting the new club just to say hi to the owners. Back in the day it was what is called “showing face.” showing appreciation for the generosity of being given free entrance/drinks. I even went so far to let one of the owners know I might be visiting.

It never ceases to amaze me of the transformation that has occurred since I turned my life over to God. I am FAR from perfect but as I strive to grow closer to Christ…the further away I move from the lifestyle I once lived. On top of having a killer workout which basically rendered me exhausted by 9pm, I realized that there would be no point in going down. I wouldn’t be bringing down any females (which is what owners/promoters expect from someone with a VIP Card) nor would I be buying any drinks (which is what the bartenders want)

As I fell asleep around 11pm, the only thought I had…I have an awesome Father in heaven. He sometimes does for me, what I cannot do for myself. Even though the thought of drinking or doing drugs was absent; the appearance of me being in a club past midnight…probably not a good thing.

For some odd reason there are people who think im some zen master who never gets angry. Hahahahahha. Earlier today I had a melt down. When I called my sponsor, all he initially did was laugh. Here is a guy who pretty much knows everything about me but he had never seen/heard me so angry. The cause of my frustration isn’t important, what I do want to share about is how I moved passed it.

There was a time in my life that holding in my emotions or doing drugs would have been the solution. Today, I talked, prayed and sought out advice. Simple. Even though I had every right to be pissed…I still made an amends and apologized for how I initially handled the situation.

Another point I wanted to share is that I am far from perfect. Just because I dont drink or do drugs does not mean that I dont sin. If there is anyone who reads this blog and thinks that im a saint…think again. I am just a broken, ex-drug addict who has been blessed with a second chance at life. Who I am today and what I am able to do is a direct result of Christ.

Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you. (Zechariah 9:12)

The verse above was the first faith based tattoo I ever got. For so long I was a prisoner to drugs/alcohol. When I was able to trust in God, not only was my hope restored but I have also been blessed with a life that is a million times more rewarding that it ever was in the past.

What if this is as good as it gets? Melvin Udall as he spoke to group of depressed psychiatric patients.

There are days when I actually think that the phrase is true. What if the most exciting day are behind me? That there really isn’t really anything more to life? Granted I lived a crazy lifestyle that was simply..crazy. There really isn’t anything left that I haven’t done. Well except to find true love.

Earlier tonight I was having a discussion with a friend who said “Im fed up with my days…I do pretty much the same thing every week. I feel like im going to explode from emotion.. lonely and want someone in my life.” I could so relate to those words, in fact I was about to join in until I was reminded that people, places and things dont bring me joy. Its serving the Lord that does.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. (Psalm 5:11)

I suffer from this thing called self-will. Ahhh, most of you thought I was going to say addiction. While that is true, the root of my disease is really forgetting whom I serve and allowing my selfish desires to get in the way.

I have come to the conclusion that this isn’t as good as it will get. If I continue to keep my eyes on Christ, He PROMISES me that I will sing for joy. That He will protect me and I can rejoice in knowing him.

My outlook on life is not determined by what is going on around me but rather should be based on the transformation that has occurred within my soul. When I am able to overcome all the crap that hinders my walk with God…that is when I can really begin to understand and appreciate how awesome He has been to me.