If there is one thing that really miss about California it would be my morning prayer group with Frank. There were days that it was just me and him. Other times there would be half a dozen men humbly asking God for guidance.

I have been slacking on my morning mediations. Doing my devotional reading and prayer at night is easy, its before bed and there is nothing on TV. What does that say about my spiritual fitness at the moment? That there is work to be done.

I cannot pick and choose when and where I turn my will over to God. My addiction is just waiting for me to forget where I get my source of strength. Just last week I sent an email to my parents to be praying for some of the goals I felt led to accomplish. Needless to say, I have not been on top of things.

Goals-Personal
Stay sober & Joyful

Mind
Read Bible start to finish. 3 weeks
Read 2 books per week
Write 15 min a day

Body
6% body fat by 2010
Run 3 miles in 30 min by 2010
Bench Press 275 by 2010

Spirit
Pray 10 min daily
-future wife
-family
-sober people
-Sanitize Your Soul Ministries (SYSM)
Be a servant daily
2 Devotionals daily

Goals-SYSM
Speak twice a month at churches
Speak once a month at schools
Book complete by July 18
Start theeffect first week in Sept
Start Sanctuary 2010
Mentor 3 guys by October
Funding & 501C3 by November

Looking back on the list I have been making strides to accomplish them. At the same time, I need to be more focused to ensure that they get done. Please be in prayer for me as I attempt to complete the job that God has put on my heart.

Tonight’s entry will conclude one years worth of writing. Over the last 365 days I have bared my soul for anyone to read. Looking back on what has been written is pretty much my life story. My family & friends, childhood to who I am today, struggles with addiction and how I have overcome it.

Each day is a blessing, every person that I meet has been a learning experience. Is there anything that I would do differently over what has transpired since I first started sanitizeyoursoul.org? No. Through the good and bad, happiness and pain, times where I have failed to examples of success…everything that happened was in God’s will.

As I try to summarize the last year of my life, all I can say is that I am grateful for everything. My life was always full of doubt, frustration, disappointment and fear. I still have moments when those feelings return, the only thing different is now I know how to get past them and find; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self control.

I am able to get over my demons by relying on Christ. I pray, read the Bible and help others DAILY. If there is one scripture that has spoken to me the most it would be.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life John 3:16

There has to be a reason that this is the most recognized verse in all of the BIble. For me, it is a reminder that despite all my shortcomings, regardless of how I fall short of the glory of God, in spite of my failures, even though at one time I was a raging alcoholic with drug addiction…God still loved me so much that He sent His only son to die so that I may live.

This second chance in my  life is only possible because of Jesus. I will never be like Christ but I can strive to be Christ like. Loving the unlovable, giving hope to the hopeless, sharing peace to those in a chaotic world, being patient with those who dont deserve it, showing kindness and goodness to people who are used to despair and pain.

You see at one point I felt unlovable, hopeless, chaotic, not deserving of anything good, the pain and despair nearly killed me. No drug, drink, meeting, woman, money, fame or power could ever have fixed me. It has been my personal relationship with Christ that has healed those wounds.

I have shared stories of my days of drug addiction, some are hard for my parents to read. Today may be the hardest for them yet I feel that maybe this one may help someone who has no hope.

One of the reasons that I was ready to get sober was that I was tired. Tired of living a life that was just hopeless. At the end of my run, the amounts of drugs that were being consumed was astronomical. I had a delivery system set up where I no longer had to leave the house. It was kind of like Pizza Hut delivery, only it wasn’t pizza that was being delivered.

During the last 6 months, I began to hallucinate. When you average 1 hour of sleep 6 days a week, funny things happen to your brain. The paranoia that engulfed me was ridiculous. I would hear voices coming from my car radio explaining what street I was on. The TV would talk to me and I would even think that the birds were spying on me.

The craziness of how bad things got was that at one point I knew for certain the FI was investigating me.  Certain color cars that drove around my house…they were agents. The funny clicking sound my phone made…my phone was tapped. The utter insanity of it all drove me to take a perfectly working cell phone, drown it in the sink. Remove the battery and shove it down a storm drain. When the voices continued and the cars still followed me…obviously the FBI wasn’t after me. I was just plain crazy.

When I went to rehab and heard the stories of what drugs do to brain cells, seeing MRI images of prolonged drug use…my brain should be mush. There is no way possible way that I should be able to put coherent sentences together. The fact that I can go up and speak in front of people without sounding like a babbling idiot is a miracle.

If you are reading this and are struggling with addictions and alcoholism…get help. It is never too late. Even if you are starting to experience the symptoms that I had at the end, there is hope. God created something amazing called humans, there is nothing that science could have created that would allow me to be have a functioning brain. However God is one of wonders and miracles. I am living proof.

“Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” Van Wilder

Are there things in my life that I worry about? I wish that I could say no but I would be lying. Actually I could probably fill a few pages worth of things that I could choose to stress over. As crazy as it sounds, I find the quote from Van Wilder to be very true.

Yes the movie is not  a classic, but for me I really like his attitude through out the film. No matter what comes his way, he never really stresses out on anything. His actions are not the best but how he handles things is something that I can learn from.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I make a choice every time life has obstacles. I can worry about them and get nowhere or I can cast all my cares upon Christ. Whenever I remember to give things over to God, amazing things happen. Each time that I decide to try and figure things out on my own, well lets just say the end result is usually a disaster.

The Bible so clearly lays out the solution to each and every one of my problems. It is when I can humble myself before God and ask for his divine wisdom and power, that is the time that miracles happen. I find it really funny that it took watching a mindless movie on Comedy Central to be reminded of how its through Christ that my worries will be taken away.

The other night I was out having dinner and saw the owner of the establishment, a friend from my partying days. One of the original nightclub promoters from my generation he and I had shared some crazy nights out on the town. As we sat there just talking about old times he asked me “So does this mean you will never drink again? Not even a glass of wine?”

I was initially shocked about the question, he went on and said “Drinking wasn’t your problem, it was the drugs that did you in.” Before I could even answer the manager of the place came up and said “Wow, do you realize that we only order a case of Jack Daniels every other month…back in the day we ordered one  case a week just for you.”

I went on to explain that at my core…I am an alcoholic. One drink will never be just one. It would lead to shots, a bottle, a phone call to a drug dealer and the rest would be history. There are choices that I made in my past which will never allow me to be a gentleman drinker. The lure of living the partying lifestyle will always be there. What is miraculous is that through Christ, I am able to overcome my demons.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Are there times that I miss “the lifestyle”? It is a Friday night, I am home alone with my dog, the night will probably consist of reading a book and going to bed early…OF COURSE there are times that lure of the nightlife is tempting,

At the same time I remember the emptiness that each morning used to bring. The constant chasing of a feeling/high that in the end was never attainable. Feeling lonely even though I had people around me. Most importantly the utter feeling of helplessness that consumed me is not missed.

I have come to the point in my recovery that I can honest about my inner most thoughts. It enables me to see past the immediate satisfaction that can be gained by living my previous lifestyle. Today I have a hope that my life can help others. A peace that despite the setbacks I still face, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Learning to love and be loved is an process that I have come to embrace.

All the lessons that I have learned over the last 32 years of my life have made me the man I am today. I will no longer conform to what the world deems is good. My life is a testament to the transformation that can occur when trust is put in God. Who I serve now is no longer my selfish and self-centered desires, instead it is a life dedicated to serving Jesus.

As I was driving to the gym today I was thinking how it would be nice to have a new female friend in my life. Immediately after that thought, I was reminded of a text message I sent one of the guys I sponsor a few weeks ago “I’m not here to fix your emotional scars, only God can do that.” To say that I was deeply convicted would be a bulls eye.

There are areas in my life that are still raw and damaged. Not only in relationships with women but a myriad of things. Trust issues, whenever the guys I sponsor relapse, letting go of certain things from my past. There is a part of me that wishes that they would all be taken away. No memory of the pain that i have been through. Then I came across this song….

Heal the Wound by Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I’ve been
But it’s the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I’m free

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don’t take pride in what I bring
But I’ll build an altar with
The rubble that You’ve found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Don’t let me forget
Everything You’ve done for me
Don’t let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have come accept that I want that scar to remain, not the pain but a reminder of how merciful God has been to me. “But it’s the memory of, The place You brought me from, That keeps me on my knees, And even though I’m free.” There is this thing called addiction that will take every opportunity to catch me off guard. Yes, I am free and healed yet my disease is only a phone call to a drug dealer away. Remaining humble to God and remembering that who I am today is a direct result of Him.

My emotional scars will always be there. They are a result of my disobedience and total disregard from following God’s will. However the wound can be healed, the pain will go away..it is just that I have to trust that it will happen in Gods time. After all that I have been through over the last 15 years the one thing that I do know is that God’s plans are way better than whatever I can come up with.

The young man that I have been sponsoring the longest has relapsed. There is so much to write about his demise but I dont want to focus on the negative.  Where can a positive through all of this be found?

I had based everything about my ministry on how I worked with him. My perspective was that if my 1st sponsee stayed sober than I can help thousands. Andrew was my star pupil. To say that I am angry, hurt and disappointed only begins to explain how I feel.

What I have to accept is that I will never be the one to keep someone sober. Providing the tools needed to live a joyful life is what I am called to do. It is the personal relationship with Christ that will keep people on the straight and narrow. It has re-affirmed my belief that its through prayer, reading the Bible and being a servant that enables me to remain clean.

Every single day I have a choice, live life to the fullest or go back down the road to death. Sadly Andrew has chosen to live a lifestyle that will eventually kill him. It breaks my heart because he was doing so well. Yet he neglected all three things that brought his personal relationship with Christ which allowed him to live life without drugs.

This entry has been in the making for about a month. It is hard to share this particular entry but with recent developments with this young man I have to put this out for others to read. I just found out today that Andrew has gone from a heroin addict to someone using crystal meth. He is no longer in a sober living home and has decided he cant stay sober.

Please be in prayer for Andrew, his wife, family and unborn son. I love this guy like he is my little brother. I wish that I could take out my soul and give him the hope that God has blessed me with. Needless to say that is not possible. Andrew if you are reading this…. call me back and dont be ashamed. I still love you just as much as I ever have and so does Jesus.

1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of disorder but of peace

Oh boy does this verse make perfect sense to me. Another translation says that God is not of confusion. For so many years I did not even know who I was. Since I have been home I have been called a nickname that epitomized how lost I really was…JKO.

JKO is the initials to for my name. When I was heavily involved in the nightclub scene, that was what people knew me as. True, some people called me Jon or Jonathan but a majority of those that knew me would identify with JKO.

While re-connecting with old friends I have heard some stories about my antics that seem like such a distant memory. The amounts of drugs, alcohol and women revolving around JKO make me want to cringe. Absolute chaos which surrounded me still baffles me to this day. To say that my life was out of order would be an accurate description.

One of the best parts of returning home is when people can actually see a difference in who I am. More often than not “wow, you have a peace about you thats amazing” It is a total testament to God of how far I have come. This does not mean that I dont have problems or difficulties, what is different is how I handle them.

The biggest tool that I have gained over the last 2 years is letting go of things and not letting negativity control my mind. It is through prayer that I am able to get past hard times. If that means praying constantly, every hour, every 30 minutes…I will do it. I realize that on my own my life will be filled with disorder or confusion, when I turn my life over to God; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility & self control will be evident in my life.

I spent the afternoon picking lychee from the tree in the back yard. While I was picking one fruit at time (my dad found it to be comical) I thought about the history of this particular tree. For decades it produced so much fruit that we had to give it away. About 15 years ago when my grandfather passed away, it was no longer pruned or feed the fertilizer needed to keep it producing like we had become accustomed to.

Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. John 15:2

Eventually no fruit was available for our family to enjoy. After I returned from treatment 2 years ago, I started to take care of the tree. Pruning it, cutting notches where the “experts” told me to cut, fertilizing it etc.

This tree is much like my own personal journey back from drug addiction. I neglected my walk with Christ and in the end was a mess. Not only was my life not bearing any “Fruit of the Spirit” it was one that was full of evil and discord. While there has been much growth over the last 25 months my life is still like the tree in the backyard. Producing fruit but not even close to the potential that I or the tree posses.

In order for the tree/my life, to get back to where it is at the max fruit bearing position… pruning the tree or my case cutting out the un-necessary  parts of my life needs to take place. Fertilizing the tree needs to continue much like how I need to replenish my soul by reading the Bible and working on my prayer life.

I’ve always made the Fruit of the Spirit and integral part of my recovery. Today I have finally been able to actually “see” the meaning behind Galatians 5:22 is actually about and how it parallels an actually tree that bears fruit.

Every morning that I was in rehab we had something called 3G’s. It entailed sharing what we were grateful for, good at and goal for the day. While it was a great way to start each day what I grew to like the most was something called the Third Step Prayer.

“God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always.”

For me that was a HUGE part of my recovery. Each time that I prayed that prayer…I meant every word. My will was what allowed me to become a crazy drug addict. I had turned from God and did everything contrary to what I knew was right.

My bondage included; drugs, alcohol, money, women, greed, anger etc. I was a slave to everything and it nearly killed me. There were nights that I just wanted to give up. Not kill myself but just had an attitude that I was stuck and would never overcome my demons. Through the haze of drugs and alcohol I had run so far from God and forgot how loving He is.

This weekend I spent some time with 2 of my friends who were close to me since High School. They shared that they never thought that I would be where I am today. In the end they had given up on me…I dont blame them.  What I find amazing is that who I am today fulfills..’ Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.”

The man that I am today tries to live the last part of the prayer to the best of my abilities. “May I do Thy will always.” There are days that I want to do things my way. Waiting upon God is not easy. Questions about “did I hear the Lord correctly?” enters my head when facing obstacles. Its when all these thoughts flood my mind that this prayer comes to mind. I have committed myself to turning my will over to God…ALWAYS.