Shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger, hate, loathing, fear, uncertainty, hopeless etc. The list can go on and on for reason that I used drugs and alcohol. In my addiction I was enslaved by the lies that Satan told me. There were some nights that I was so depressed that it did not matter how much I drank or the amount of drugs I consumed.. I was still miserable. I felt unloved an unworthy of anything of value.

The pain and suffering that was part of my hedonistic lifestyle actually drove me back to using. I thrived on the pain as an excuse to continue abusing my body. The craziest part was in the end of my addiction not only did the drugs and alcohol NOT numb me…it made the situation worse. 

In the last 6 months of my stupidity; I sneezed out a chunk of cartilage from my nose, I sliced open the bottom of my foot, blacking out and waking up on the bathroom floor was common, a constant craving for drugs consumed my life and finally I would hear voices…in the end I was so paranoid that I thought the police had tapped my phone and were out to get me. The most genius part of this…I still did drugs and drank Jack Daniel’s like it was going out of business.

I have shared all of this because…one of the guys I sponsor relapsed. It breaks my heart that he was unable to overcome his demons and stay sober. This entry was basically just for me. A reminder that once upon a time I was just as lost and confused as he is right now. That all I can do is love him like Christ loves me and continue to pray for him.

 Matthew 7:1-2 Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others; you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.