Change is possible. While this blog has been about my journey from being a drug addicted alcoholic and the steps that Ive taken to do it…there really is more. If there is an area that my friends back home could attest to probably even more than problem with cocaine is women. You see, they never knew about the coke. What they did know about was the women.
Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category
May18
Sacrifice
May6
Best Day In A While
Sometimes there are days that can only be described as….special. Today was one of those days. 5 years ago I had my last drink and line of cocaine. It started off with someone who has spent more one-on-one time with me in California than anyone else. Someone who sees me at my best and also at my worst. When I got to theOasis, this is what I found.
May3
Hope
5 years ago, I was in my parents house….high as a fricken kite, without a clue in the world how much my life was going to change in 3 days. For 13 years all I knew was drugs and alcohol. It had become my god, what I served and would do anything to have. In the hallway there was this art piece my sister made when my mom was in the ICU room in 2002. Pictures of all us, even when mom was in the hospital. The scripture verse….
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.(Jeremiah 29:11)
Read this somewhere and it inspired me so much I copied it. Right now the one im lacking the most is 12…balance. Nothing new at all. The last 2 days ive had over 22 session, completed 1/7th of my homework, zero time on a social life and I even missed lunch the last 2 days. Guess I have been reminded once again I need to relax a little.
May2
Trust Is Hard
Trust, probably something that is one of my bigger issues in life. Working with addicts/alcoholics tends to do that. Im very wary of what people say. The lack of trust has started to carry over to even those not in the program. Just a single half-truth or deception leads to an absolute loss of trust. Its not fair cause everyone makes mistakes and tells little white lies, even me. The reality is I don’t have the time to second guess or wonder if someone is being truthful with me. If you matter and understand the pressure of my job, you wont put me through bullsh!t. So far….I can count those I trust 100% on one hand. Sad but true.
April25
Obstinate, Defiant, Egotistical
“Your son is obstinate, defiant and egotistical. He wont stay sober with his plan.” Those were the words told to my mother when I insisted that any form of treatment after rehab had to have Bible Studies or the ability to grow deeper in my faith. In a roundabout way the clinician who said that was correct.
April23
Goodby Bro
Colin’s funeral is on Wed. Its odd that the death of someone I hadn’t spoken to in almost 5 years, someone I hadn’t spent time with in probably 7 years…its affecting me. Like a inner struggle that I just cant wrap my brain around. I can hear his laugh, times he yelled, punches that were thrown, him singing karaoke, etc. Losing someone that really was like a brother for over a decade is tough. Even though we partied a lot and there aren’t many sober memories, when life was hard and I felt that no one was there for me…he was.
April17
Everything Happens For A Reason
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.(Proverbs 3:5-6)
Slightly numb to emotions or feelings. In the span of 10 days…3 guys I knew have died. I don’t think this has ever happened before, actually I know it hasn’t. I realized something last night. Up until a few months ago I was coming across 300+ men per year battling addiction, over 1200 since I moved to California in 2008. That’s not even including the women through the recovery church or the times I led groups at the rehab. The reality is that death is part of my calling. Sad but true.
If there is one factor that leads to at least 50% of relapses (in my opinion)…failure. More specifically failed relationships. Its why I tell my guys to stay single for a year. Assemble the tools you need to cope with anything that life throws your way. Most importantly have your foundation set in Christ. Someone once asked me how do I deal with heartache? Never really thought about it. I can randomly spout off verses or quotes but that’s kinda easy when I have 73 pages worth saved on my computer.
April14
JOY Amongst Chaos
For about 2-3 weeks life was great. So much that my adopted mom commented she had never seen me so happy. Prayer, devotionals, being of service, etc. Were a walk in the park. It was easy to stay connected with God, why wouldn’t it be? Life was smooth sailing. Work + personal life + family + school was the best it had been in I have no idea how long. Prayers were being answered left and right, 8 hours of sleep a night and I didn’t have a care in the world.
Tweets...