a personal account of my journey from the depths of drug addiction
‘Cause sometimes you just feel tired,
Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
And just pull that sh!t out of you and get that motivation to not give up
And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.
~Eminem
There is always a first time for everything. In the last 24 hours ive literally emotionally shut down when I was with someone. Never happened before. In the past I either let loose with whatever is going through my head or would avoid the situation all together. A few months ago someone taught me the value of not always saying what’s on my mind, wish I had followed that advice earlier. Anyway, there is so many changes going on that when it came to this particular person….I had a billion things I wanted to say but if there was even a remote chance it would destroy an already fractured friendship, decided to just shut up.
My parents are here! It hasn’t even been 12 hours and I’ve probably cried more today than I have all year. Not because im sad but joyful, heartfelt, healing tears. First was when my dad brought up a song that he hasn’t been able to download (hes an itunes newbie) so I asked him what it was and started to play him different versions. I wasn’t even paying attention to the words, more just making sure he got what he wanted. At some point my mom said…”listen to the lyrics.”
Considering its Mothers Day calling my mom was a certainty. Actually I spoke to her twice today. First just to call and wish her a Happy Mothers Day and then a couple hours later just because I needed my mom. There are some struggles with closure of a relationship and of course my mom had the best advice anyone could give….
There was a time in my life that all that mattered was the “lifestyle”. Partying, drugs, money, women, etc. It was empty and a void bigger than the Grand Canyon was in my soul. What was really happening was that I was trying to hide from reality. Escape from the pain, disappointment, frustration, anger…basically anything that I couldn’t cope with, I ran from.
While hanging out at the beach today I was asked if I ever miss my old lifestyle? The answer is simple…no. If there is anything that I do kind miss its the attention I used to get. (Being in Hawaii everywhere I go, Im known.) I concluded my answer with I don’t miss…waking up with massive hangovers, thats if I even went to sleep. Im glad I don’t have to make up lies to cover my tracks. Having a solid relationship with my family is priceless. Its reassuring to know that I have legit friends now. The list of blessings I’ve gained in sobriety would take forever to list.
We’re all in this thing together
Walkin’ the line between faith and fear
This life don’t last forever
When you cry I taste the salt in your tears
Safe (click the link to listen…its an great song)
Last night at church I asked my friend to sing this song. When he sang it, I just cried. While the song is about a girl, every time I hear this…its God who’s offering me grace, its through him that I am safe. At the same time, this made me think of someone special. Everyone asks whats so special about her? I feel safe. When she is around, nothing matters. We can just sit in the same room for hours and hardly say a word but Im safe.
With everything has gone on the last year…a song like this is exactly what needed to be done. Through the pain, trials and troubles, I just trusted that God was in control. For those new to sobriety, just Stand.
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