Sometimes at night, the pain isn’t real.
Sometimes at night, it’s stamped with a seal.
I search and long to know you exist,
Yet giving up is a feeling I can’t resist.

Why me? Why my family? How much longer?
Questions that seem to just get stronger.
Yes, the pain is real, and I run as fast as I can,
Exhausted and defeated, I am a scared man.

Those are the lies Satan tells me each day.
“Where are you, God?” is all I can say.
Your love is all that I need to live.
Because I feel I have nothing left to give.

When the darkness sets in and I’ve lost all hope,
It’s like falling down a slippery slope.
I’ve stopped believing that you’ll answer my prayers.
It’s like running a marathon up a million stairs.

As I keep looking for help from above.
It’s in that moment; You send me Your love.
Put your trust in someone you can’t see.
That’s when He’ll take to the time to love you and me.

The pain and misery on my own were too much to bear,
Now I’ve realized God’s love was always there.
I’m just blessed I can see love through His eyes.
Because I was blinded and confused by so many lies.

A simple, yet daunting task,
In reality all He wants is for us to ask.
Asking for mercy and grace on a poor soul like me,
Is the time when the enemy will finally flee.

I have always had a problem dealing with emotions and feelings: drinking and using drugs was the way that I hid from things I couldn’t or didn’t want to express or feel. Over a few years I witnessed my once vibrant mother suffer from a rare neurological disease and the passing away of both grandfathers within a span of 3 months. To say that I was angry at God would be an understatement.  In time, I became involved in the nightclub scene. For whatever reason, I knew all of the bar owners and head bartenders and was treated like a king. In retrospect, Satan was in control and I didn’t care. My involvement grew deeper as I began working as a club promoter. I was living the life of a rock star and was enjoying every moment. Little did I know it would eventually consume my life and turn me into a monster. Soon after I arrived on the scene, drinking wasn’t enough so I progressed to marijuana, pills, ecstasy and cocaine. I had become the poster boy for Satan’s destructive power. Unfulfilled relationships, untapped potential, utter hopelessness and, most damaging of all, a non-existent walk with Christ. Despite being raised in the church, attending numerous conventions and a being Sunday school teacher at one point, I was living a life far from the Cross. All the Bible knowledge was there; it was just lost in the fog of drugs and alcohol. How can one fall so far from the mercy and grace of God? By falling for the many traps that Satan puts before us. There is a quote that explains what I now know to be true that says, “Fame is fleeting. Money comes and goes. Popularity is an accident. The only thing that remains is character.”

I had hit rock bottom and desperately needed help. Desperately. It came in the form of my admittance into a rehab facility in California. After I checked in and went through the routine paperwork and introductory process, the worker said he didn’t know how I was still alive.  That night I got on my hands and knees and prayed a simple prayer. I asked that God take away all the yearnings for drugs and alcohol, otherwise I didn’t want to wake up. If I woke up the next morning then one day I would share how my miracle of sobriety was a gift from God.

Unsurprisingly, rehab wasn’t all that fun, but I’m not ashamed to say that I spent two months with alcoholics and addicts.  It has been almost two years since I have left rehab. During that time I have been blessed to be the 1 out of 100 that succeeded in staying sober. In fact, of all the people that I went through rehab with I am the only one that hasn’t relapsed. A few of them have ended up in jail, a couple of them were sent to mental institutions and two of them committed suicide.  As an addict, I have learned that I need to live a “disciplined life.” Discipline is defined as, “Training that corrects, molds, or perfects mental faculties or moral character.”

The joy of the Lord is my strength. I live my life in sobriety with a joy and peace that was never around when I was drinking and using drugs. The same hurts and frustrations are still there, the only difference now is that I turn to God to help me get through the day.  When making decisions I keep things simple. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self-control. The Fruits of the Spirit need to be the foundation of my life because without them I am not walking in accordance to the word of God and my soul suffers the consequences. Because I am human I still fall short of the glory of God but instead of feeling condemnation and guilt, I ask for forgiveness and experience the freedom that comes from the grace of Christ. I used to question why I am the only one who has been successful on the other side of rehab. The answer is simple: God. I had countless people praying for me and I rejected the lie that I did this on my own. Without the continued prayer and support of my family, church family and friends, I would not be where I am today.  While others have gone the AA route or their own path, I have decided to follow Jesus. There is the hymn “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. Though none go with me, I still will follow.” That is how I live my life in sobriety.

My heart breaks when I see TV shows like Intervention and Celebrity Rehab. They advocate that you need to come to a god of your own understanding/a higher power. Some choose a doorknob or the 3rd moon goddess from Jupiter but until you actively seek God and ask Jesus to become your Lord and Savior no amount of money or treatment will give you the power to overcome a sickness that ultimately leads to death. However the moment that one seeks God, victory is within reach because “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13. I believe that God has called me to fight for all my brothers and sisters and help them win the battle against the enemy who is doing everything in his power to destroy us.  I pray that my efforts aren’t in vain and that they don’t lose this difficult battle. I hope to help others who are willing to arrive at a place where they admit that they are powerless and need help. Not from just a higher power, but from Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.